4 Sep

Sometimes I feel like going into work is the equivalent of a game of wack-a-mole.  I, of course, am the mole.  I feel absolutely beat down today.  It started with a “fuck you” and ended with a “you suck”.  At least the middle was okay.  (See me trying to be positive?!)

I left work with my gym bag on my shoulder, ready to say screw it and just head home.  I headed to the third floor, where I usually park.  It wasn’t until I had already stepped off the elevator that I realized I parked in the basement today.  I stood there for a minute and said screw it again.  Except the second “screw it” was me deciding to go to the gym.

Oh yes, on a Friday night, I went to the gym.  And I think it’s the first time since I started going back on my own that I haven’t walked in and had to remember to breathe.  Going to the gym is walking into panic attack territory for me.  And in case you have no idea what that feels like, imagine standing in front of a crowd of people completely naked.  The total horror and embarrassment you’d feel is a fraction of what a panic attack feels like.

I need to get myself more familiar with the gym again, and okay with being there alone and using the equipment.  I used to be fine … I think the difference is my unfortunate weight gain.  I don’t want people wondering what I’m doing there, or thinking I should spend more time there and less time at Ben & Jerry’s, or that I have such a pretty face and isn’t it a shame that I’m not thin.

I’ve spent three nights this week on the elliptical machines, staring at the weight section.  I’m planning to conquer it next week.  When I get on the elliptical, the anxiety calms after about 30 seconds, because once I’m on and everything is going, I know I’m golden for the next half hour.  But the weights … yikes!  You have to go from machine to machine, possibly waiting, etc.  But I can do this.  I’m sure of it.  I think.  Maybe.


One Response to “Duck!”

  1. Ambertron September 9, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

    i find the sculpting classes way less intimidating than the weight section. the instructor does all the counting, that’s a plus for me. i hate having to think while i work out :p

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